Me Vs. The Zebragus

Google has informed me of a startling fact: I am the world’s foremost authority on the zebragus. In fact, if the interwebs are correct, I believe that I may be the only person to actually ever use the term zebragus. But then again, I always go on the assumption that the internet is full of falsities and nonsense that should not be taken seriously. This blog definitely doesn’t fall under that category though, not at all. I like to think of myself as a veritable wealth of information, and indeed have been deemed “the encyclopedia” by some. This wealth of information I like to keep hidden though and hoard to myself, because frankly I like knowing things that other people don’t as it makes me feel special in a good way.

I’m going to share a little bit of my special knowledge though, so that you may be an informed, brilliant person. This information shall be pertaining to the zebragus, an endangered species the world needs to know more about.

THE ZEBRAGUS: UNICORNS BE JEALOUS

The ZEBRAGUS (pron. zehb-rah-gus) is a rare species of mystical animals that has sparked some recent controversy in the scientific world. For years, it had been theorized that the unicorn was the most epic animal known to man, but upon the discovery of the zebragus in 2010, this theory has been questioned, leaving scientist to hypothesize that the world’s most epic animal is indeed the zebragus. Though both are to be considered spectacular, it has been generally agreed upon that the zebragus contains more epic per ounce than the common unicorn.

The origins of the zebragus is unknown; however, some folktales tell of winged, striped creatures similar to the zebragus, which are only to be seen during the most peculiar of weather. According to these tales, the only time mortal humans can view the zebragus are when double rainbows are present. Legend has it that every double rainbow is bestowed upon the sky by the zebragus itself, and leprechauns await their appearance before placing their precious pots of gold underneath rainbow arches. (It’s also legend that underneath the double rainbow arches lies Rainbow McDonald’s, but the claim remains unverified.)

There are several different varieties of zebragus, which can be classified based on their mystical abilities.

The first zebragus discovered was the common zebragus. The common zebragus is believed to be the zebragus told of in the double rainbow legends, and possesses no other abilities. These zebragi have the outward appearance of a Grant’s zebra, with the exception of their wings. The common zebragus can be identified by its striped hide, and its pearly white wings. The common zebragus, though more abundant than other varieties, is an endangered species. Currently, there is a black market for the common zebragus, often being sold for in excess of 500,000 dollars.

Another of the more common zebragi is the bubbles zebragus, a species so infectiously adorable, you feel like you’re being hugged by a cloud just looking at it.  And in case you didn’t guess by its name, it vomits bubbles.

The level of esthetic pleasantness of the bubbles zebragus is greatly diminished while physically vomiting bubbles. Despite this, the bubbles zebragus has become a favorite breed of children, who often commission their zebragi to fly overhead and barf bubbles on enemies. Most children fail to realize this is less malicious than they believe.

While many other breeds of zebragus exist, the most feared of these is the full-automatic nerf zebragus. This breed is considered to be extremely dangerous, and has yet to be domesticated. While some can be occasionally seen at zoos, the full-automatic nerf zebragus primarily lives in the wilds of Canada, wear it feasts on maple syrup and rightfully terrorizes Justin Bieber. It is said that the horrid, girlish wails of the Biebs enrages the nerf zebragus, and will often destroy whatever lies in its path at the sound. With its loaded cannons and laser-beam eyes, the nerf zebragus is to be feared, and if sighted, humans are suggested to flee for their lives.

Though the full-automatic nerf zebragus is super deadly, conservation efforts for this breed exist as it is speculated that there are less than 100 of these animals in the wild. Many zoologist defend the nerf zebragus behaviors as a necessity for survival, and believe the animal to be gentle under lesser strains. The nerf zebragus has also been the subject of internet rumors where a large conspiracy theory has been started, claiming that the US government has herded a large number of this breed, and is training them for combat. No reports to verify the claim have been made.

The zebragus is a mysterious and fragile species of animal. Whether they be floating over rainbows in the sky, or assaulting you with their bullets, they are to be revered. These animals are a dying breed, but we can change that! Go online, and adopt a zebragus. Your monthly monetary donations will go towards the care of one zebragus in a zebragi sanctuary, and you will receive a monthly email containing a picture of your zebragus and information on its development. Please, don’t let this species disappear.

Now you have a better understanding of the zebragus. Share this knowledge amongst your friends and family, and maybe together we can save them.

Now that’s just begging to be made into a t-shirt.